Bad Day
I remember what it was like to have a bad day. A "normal" bad day, that is. I try not to have them any more, but not for the reason you might think. You see, imagine it's like this. During a "normal" bad day, you might wake up on the "wrong side of the bed," after having a less than restful night. You curse your inability to fall asleep at a proper time. Maybe then you discover you're out of instant coffee, so you have to go without because you don't feel like chugging down that nasty decaf stuff. You curse your laziness, not getting to the store yesterday like you wanted to. And when you get out to your car you discover that somebody has stolen your hubcaps that you just got replaced a week ago. You curse the delinquent who has inconvenienced your bank account yet again. Then, as you're driving to work 3 separate cars wind up cutting you off, nearly causing an accident each time. You honk your horn furiously as you curse them each time. You might discover when you arrive at work that you left your phone at home again. You curse yourself again for your forgetfulness, blaming yourself again for your lack of coffee. Your boss might've been a total ass to you again, harassing you for not sending that one email to him, even though you know it was the last thing you did before you left work the evening before. You curse him for being such an asshole. The printer might have jammed...again...and you're the only one who can fix it properly without calling a repair guy. You curse the idiot who jammed it. When it's time for your lunch break, you'll probably be standing in line, and the lady in front of you is taking forever to decide what to order, while the dad a few people behind you is cursing at his son for having the audacity to timidly ask for an ice cream cone after lunch. You feel so sorry for the poor boy, and curse the woman and the man for their indecisiveness and ignorance. After barely having enough time to eat, you quickly walk back to your building, but a random thief targets you. He slips his fingers into your pocket and swipes your iPod, and you might not have noticed if you hadn't randomly looked to your side at that moment to catch him in the act, and he takes off with the item in hand. You'll yell after him, but of course he won't stop. And nobody's going to stop him. You curse him, and everyone there who might've seen him do it and did absolutely nothing to stop him. You may even punch out half an hour later than you wanted to that night, because your boss still can't find that email that you KNOW you sent to him again, only to discover that he had inadvertently sent it to the "Spam" folder. You curse your boss again for his idiocy. When you finally wander through your front door, exhausted from being stuck in traffic from a pile-up on the highway for over an hour, all you want to do is relax in front of the TV for a few hours, eat a small dinner, maybe some ice cream, and go to bed before waking up bright and early to start your grind all over again. But you can't, because you just remembered as you lean against the door in despair that not only did you forget to go to the store for more coffee, but your cabinets are essentially devoid of anything to eat aside from a few cans of vegetables, soup that's probably expired, and a package of instant potatoes. You feel bad for all the people that were involved, but you still curse that pile-up for taking up the time you could've spent at the grocery store. Resolved, you cook the potatoes and open a can of peas...better than nothing, right? You could probably use the extra veggies in your diet anyway. You make up a plate and slather the potatoes in butter, and looking down at your ever-expanding waistline you once again curse yourself for your laziness, and for wasting that gym membership that you pay for every month and never use. As you sit down in front of the TV with your meager dinner, you start flipping through the stations, looking for something good to distract your weary mind. There's nothing, as usual. Just reruns of those sitcoms you can't stand anymore, some stupid new game show you can't be bothered with, a documentary on something nature-related with a droll, monotone narrator, and the late night news-that's definitely not good for your current mindset. But you watch it anyway. Every story you watch is more depressing than the next. Even the weather is depressing...rainy till Sunday. What a great weekend off that'll be, you think sarcastically. You curse the news and the weather for making you feel even worse than before. Half-past one in the morning, you finally get up from your chair and put your plate in the sink, resolving to wash it in the morning...if you wake up on time that is...dammit, why do you keep staying up this late,burning the candle at both ends? You curse yourself for your bad habit and storm off to your room. Speaking of storms...the rain has started. You don't hate the rain, but you pray you fall asleep before any possible thunder and lightning start. You lie in bed on your back, going over your terrible day in your head, wondering why all these horrible things keep on happening to you. You roll over on your side, mulling everything over, and slowly the realization comes over you... Every time something happened, you cursed it. Every time you, or someone else did something to you, you cursed them. And every curse you said, every day, every week, every month, had become impounded on your psyche, obscuring your view so now, everything that happened was met with negativity, and a curse. And even when you cursed others, you were actually cursing yourself as well. Cursing yourself to keep coming across the same negativity again and and again, day after day. How had this happened to you? Your life used to be happy, you looked forward to the future... You had a great career, a boyfriend, great friends...before you started cursing. You don't even remember the first time it happened. The thought of every time you had cursed overwhelmed you. You start crying violently into your pillow as the emotion erupts from your chest, as you realize you've cursed yourself to an endless cycle of hated and negativity. It's all your fault. Why didn't you take charge of your life? Why didn't you stop yourself from thinking all those horrible things? What can you possibly do to end this cycle? You're useless. You're worthless. You curse your very existence!!! This is why I try not to have bad days. Or rather, I tried not to. It doesn't really matter anymore though. Now all my days truly are bad days. Because it's kind of hard to improve your life...when you're hanging from a belt in your closet.... I can still hear the gentle pattering of the rain.... Category:Mental Illness